Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln - The Triumphant Return

As everyone knows, the first showing of Great Moments with Mr Lincoln was at the 1964 Worlds Fair in New York.  It has been in and out of Disneyland since it's arrival in 1965.  Mr. Lincoln was always the comfortable shoe for me.  I admit, I hardly ever saw it except if it was really hot outside and I wanted the air conditioning, or it was too cold outside or I was tired and wanted a place to rest, Mr. Lincoln was always there for me.  Even when I made a huge hog out of myself, demolishing the buffet at Club 33, and couldn't ride any attraction without hurling, Mr. Lincoln was there to give me solace and rest for my distended stomach.

Two years ago I decided I wanted to visit my old friend Abe and noticed he was gone.  Yes gone and replaced with an entertaining film starring Steve Martin and Donald Duck.  It was fine but it wasn't Mr. Lincoln.  I asked a cast member, why Mr. Lincoln was gone.  He didn't know.  I just wanted to know who the Commie was that did away with President Lincoln.  I have an idea it was Eisner who did it before he left.

So now Mr. Lincoln is back, bigger and better than ever before.  Disney has melded the best of all of versions of this show into one.  In the lobby, you can watch the Steve Martin/Donald Duck movie that use to play in the theatre.  It is a fun movie with clips of past shows, attractions and shops and is an excellent way to kill time between Mr. Lincoln viewings.

There are also amazing pictures of Lincoln on the walls as well as a 20 foot model of the Capital that one talented, crazy guy carved from stone.  The workmanship is amazing.  It is perfectly in scale and he made it all by hand.  Brilliant!

A pre-movie shows clips of Royal Dano, the iconic Lincoln actor who Walt had to have as the voice of Lincoln.  He is wonderful.  I am so glad that they use his voice for the show and what a show it is.  It is stirring, inspiring, sad, glorious, just like out Country.  They have kept the ballad "Two Brothers" along with Civil War photos that illustrate the song.  The look of the show overall is very "Hall of Presidents" from Magic Kingdom.

Lincoln is the most advanced audio animatronic figure to date, even better that Jack Sparrow. While he does "defy gravity" when he stands, the facial expressions are amazing.  His new skin (which is less reflective) is more lifelike and his hair is more realistic.  He truly is a marvel of modern engineering.  While having Lincoln stand without an arm to assist him (push him into a standing position like real people do) looks robotic, everything else is dead on.  Kudos to all the hard work that went into bringing our 16th President to life and reminding us of our darkest hour as a Nation and how we can overcome adversity.  

Do me a favor and visit Mr. Lincoln.  He may not be flashy but he is difficult to ignore.

Epcot: Future World (WDW)

FOOD ROCKS: Future World/Epcot

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – None.  At least you are not standing in a line.  Take a load off.

WAIT TIME – Low even during peak times.

KID GRADE – (G) This is fine for small children.  It may bore older kids.

ADULT RATING – (C-) Dancing pineapples aren’t my thing.

Are you into dancing food and being lectured, in a fun Disney way, about the food groups?  Well then this is for you!  Dancing animatronic figures of food and utensils “rock out” to teach you about eating healthy.  I am all for healthy eating but this is not for me.  If you have a small child this could be a good thing or it could scare them back into the arms of the fast food giants.

MAKING OF ME: Future World/Epcot

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – None

WAIT TIME – Low to Moderate

KID GRADE – (PG) The suitability for this ride depends solely on how much of an advanced education you are comfortable with your child getting

ADULT RATING – (C+) A good place to take a load off but not stellar. 

This is one of the most disturbing rides I’ve ever been on.  OK, it wasn’t as disturbing as my ex who goes by the nickname of “Satan” but close.  This educational ride gives your kids a birds-eye view of reproduction Disney-style.  While you will never actually see a penis, you will get a humorous overview of dating, falling in love, inutero fetuses, birthin babies and mucus and all kinds of ick…. I mean, the wonderful miracle of life.  I soooo didn’t pay all this money to watch a nookie movie with no nookie.

If you are not in a place where you want to fill in the blanks for Junior (like the body parts and the “wilderness watoosie”) I would skip this.  If you are an adult, you should know what goes where and why so why are you wasting valuable ride time with this?  Go on Mission:Space again!

If you have advanced home-schooled children that know all about reproduction and regularly say things like “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina” in the grocery store line then this is a feel good refresher course.  Have fun; I’ll be at the Rose & Crown pub having a cold one.  After all, alcohol is one of the precursors for the “wilderness watoosie”.

MISSION SPACE: Future World/Epcot

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – Extreme

WAIT TIME – High – FASTPASS Alert!

KID GRADE – (R) This ride has height requirements and is very intense.  If children cannot follow the rules to the letter, they will vomit.  Assess your own childs tolerance.  Close spaces, extreme G-forces, NOT for small children.

ADULT RATING – This is one of the most amazing rides I have ever been on.  While a bit extreme, you can survive if you stick to the rules.  A+

Now I admit that I was a little nervous about this ride. I hear some people hurl, some are fine, and some feel a little off for a while then are fine. For anyone that has ridden Rock ‘n Roller Coaster at Disney Studios, the G forces are less on Mission Space but last longer.

There are a TON of signs that tell you that the ride spins and that you can get sick. You are also reminded many times not to close your eyes or to ever turn your head. You must always look straight ahead. There is a very good reason for this.  The ride is a centrifuge.  Watch “The Right Stuff” for an idea of what this is.  Basically it is a sphere that spins very fast. 

Now you may say, “I hate spinning rides”.  I agree with you but this is different.  If you think about it, you spin every second of your life.  The Earth spins.  It is all in your perception of your environment.

If you keep watching the screen you can trick your brain into believing what it sees is “real”.  If you turn your head to the side, your body will notice the spinning and you will vomit.  DO NOT TURN YOUR HEAD.  Honestly if your kid won't listen to you and fidgets don't take them on this ride or you could get hit when they hurl.  In fact they had to put us in another car on our first trip because they had to hose the last one down due to some crazy kid didn't listen to or believe the directions.  Believe them.  The cast members don't call it Mission Hurl for nothing.

That being said I love this ride.  I personally am the biggest spinning weenie on the planet and I did OK on this ride.  It was amazing, I just laughed with sheer joy through the lift-off. It was fun and amazing. All I can do is say “COOL! THIS IS SOOOOOO NEAT! WOW!”

Afterward I left the ride, I got a tiny bit dizzy. My body is now mad at me because it has figured out that it was tricked. “HEY! I WAS SPINNING! DAMN YOU, YOU CRAZY MONKEY!!!” It’s trying to get its equilibrium without the spinning. A sit down for 5 minutes or so and taking it slow for another 20 and I was fit as a fiddle.


UPDATE:  There are now two versions of this ride.  The original in the centrifuge and another with the same elements but you won't be spinning.  I haven't experienced the Lite version yet so I can't compare.

Animal Kingdom: Camp Minnie-Mickey (WDW)

Pocahontas and Friends

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – None (unless crowds of ankle killing strollers scare you – and they should)

WAIT TIME – Low

KID GRADE – (G) Suitable for all ages but is perfect for very small children.  They get to sit right up front and get a good look at the small live critters that populate this inane, uber-PC show.

ADULT RATING – (D) I personally give it a C for the good actress and the skunk.  Everyone else I've met gives it a D and was glad to be out of there and on their way to the food.  The majority of teens will be bored out of their minds.

Against my better judgment, I braved the sea of bodies and strollers known as CAMP MINNIE-MICKEY for a skunk.  That's right, a skunk.  I love skunks.  I think they are cuter than kittens.  I love their little rolly walk and the cute little way they stamp their widdle feet.  OK, maybe I’m just weird but it was the reason I went to the show.  This land is accessed across a wee bridge and is in actuality one of the ninth rings of Hell.  It is mobbed with children and rude parents who are ready to scythe you off at the ankles with a stroller the size of a small SUV. I heard they use live animals, including a skunk, in the Pocahontas show, so heedless of the less-than-glowing reports from various sources I went.  I should have listened.

The show is really lame.  I’m talking Scooby Doo after they added Scrappy Doo lame.  I knew this show was going down the dark forest path when a puppet in the form of a little annoying tree started talking and would not shut up.  Just to be clear, this was not Grandma Willow, this was a miniature tree.  I really wished the clear cutters would have chain sawed that tree.  Now THAT would have been entertainment!  The actress playing Pocahontas was very good but the script was non-existent.  Most of the time she was just sweeping about the stage looking concerned.  Very concerned.  Concerned to the point of what would happen to her waterfall of hair if she couldn’t get enough product to combat the Florida humidity.

Pocahontas sang songs, little live critters would make their appearances and she would get all preachy and concerned about the environment.  Now I LOVE the Earth and I am a recycling fiend.  It's part of my life and my religion but GIVE ME A BREAK on the Disney preachy PC messages on all these rides.  I want to be entertained.  I am NOT on a Greenpeace retreat.

Animal Kingdom: Rafiki's Planet Watch (WDW)

Wildlife Express/Conservation Station

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – None

WAIT TIME – Low

KID GRADE – (G) Suitable for all ages.  Education made fun.

ADULT RATING – (C+) For a cool place to rest.  (B) if you are adventurous enough to make use of the make-out booths.

It seems that Rafiki’s Planet Watch is a catch-all phrase for the Conservation Station since “Conservation Station” sounds boring and educational but “Rafiki’s Planet Watch” sounds all Lion Kingy and Hakuna Mutata and stuff.  Don’t be fooled.  It’s not bad if you want to trick your kids into learning a little bit between bouts of churro-induced sugar highs.


The one and only time I visited this attraction I was in one of those motorized chairs as I had sprained my ankle pretty bad before we left and since this was Halloween weekend I would rather die than wear my Sleeping Beauty dress with crutches.  So I decided to spare my ankle to save it for later.


The train ride was fine.  Not wonderful, just fine.  Of course I had to manuvuer in backwards with the motorized chair and I nearly made a few critters extinct as my driving skills leaved much to be desired.  Hope it was entertaining to everyone that got to watch.


The Conservation Station is a large building that houses the veterinarian areas and some educational exhibits. There is one room that is covered in real butterflies. It was really cool but I’d be afraid I would squish one by accident.

It’s a nice air conditioned place to go hide out in but I did find one thing that all adults can take advantage of – make out booths!  Yup, they have these dark little rooms where they show little movies or something. There were headphones hanging from the wall. I have no idea what they were for because I thought it would be a great place to make-out. However, I was increasingly paranoid that Disney cast members were watching us with night vision cameras. OK, make-out idea bad.  But at least I found something interesting to do with an educational exhibit.

Animal Kingdom: The Tree of Life (WDW)

It’s Tough To Be A Bug

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – Moderate

WAIT TIME – Moderate – This show may have a ton of people waiting but the auditorium is very large and it will fill and rotate audiences every 25 minutes.

KID GRADE – (PG) Suitable for most ages.  Tiny children who have problems with the dark or giant black widows dropping from the ceiling should skip this one.  Little boys tend to handle it better than little girls.  (No, I’m not being sexist.  This is just based on my observations.)

ADULT RATING – .  A solid B for all around fun.

ITS TOUGH TO BE A BUG is always a good attraction.  Not only are you free to look at the Tree of Life in detail but the themeing is interesting and interactive. Nestled under The Tree, the line winds past and under it's branches, time flies while you stare at all the animals carved in it's surface.


It's Tough to be A Bug, is a 3-D show which employs sights, smells and physical interaction.  A little shout out to my school chum, French Stewart, who voices the acid spitting termite.  The story is engaging and the 3-D effects are dynamic while advancing the story.  My favorite character is the little blue butterfly.  I know, its lame but I like it.


While entertaining, it is a bit short and can freak small kids out. A few of the wee munchkins ran past me during the show with their parents following a few beats later. They hung by the doors until it was over. If you have very small children or ones that are afraid of the dark, spiders or bugs in general, you might want to skip this attraction.

Animal Kingdom: Dinoland USA (WDW)

Boneyard

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – None

WAIT TIME – Low

KID GRADE – (G) Suitable for most ages 5-12

ADULT RATING – We don’t get to participate, just watch.

You know those ball pits at places like Chuck E. Cheese?  Ok, replace it with sand and bones and just not as deep.  Kids LOVE this thing.  There are multiple levels, slides and lots of places to uncover buried “bones” in the sand. 

Now if you are uber-paranoid that space aliens will snatch your kids, don’t even show them this because they will want to go and then you will have to listen to the whining and screaming all the way back to your room at All Star Movies.  If it makes any difference, there is only one entrance and one exit.  So if you park yourself at the exit, no one can get out with your kid.

Honestly I wouldn’t be concerned.  You can watch from above.  True it’s hard to keep your eyeball on them all the time, especially if they are fast but if you are that worried, why did you even leave your house in the first place?  I would defiantly save this for an end of the day activity.

Dinosaur!

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – Moderate

WAIT TIME – Moderate - High

KID GRADE – (PG) This ride has height requirements.  It is very dark, there are large, scary dinosaurs that try to eat you.  They also “jump” out at you.  Assess your own child’s tolerance.  The ride is also very jerky and smaller bodies bounce around more than adults.

ADULT RATING – (B-) There was the opportunity for this to be a stellar ride.  It barely rates above average.  Too short, go watch the gorillas again.  They are more entertaining. 

Dinosaur!, (formerly Countdown to Extinction), is an interesting ride.  It was also too short, too dark, and too jerky. 

While this ride appears to be patterned (VERY loosely) on the look of the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, it is a poor and cheap reflection.  The ride is so dark inside that most details of the ride are obscured in the gloom.  I hear that the Imagineers planned it that way.  If they did, it was a bad choice.  We don’t want bright light but we want to see more of the dinosaurs.

The jeep vehicles are taken from the Indy garage sale but the ride is not as intricately themed as its Southern California cousin.  The jerkiness of the ride, paired with the dark is a prescription for whiplash.  If you like being tossed around like laundry, then you will love this ride.

Primevil Whirl

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – Moderate

WAIT TIME – Moderate

KID GRADE – (PG) Spins like crazy.

ADULT RATING – (B-) If you like the Alice Teacups, you will love this.  If not, avoid it since this land sucks anyway.

OK, this is a wild mouse ride.  It’s one of those carny rides that Walt hated and has his ashes spinning at Forest Lawn Glendale and NO he is not frozen.  This ride spins or grinds to a halt mid-spin as the mighty ride computer sees fit.  This lurchy ride from Hell nearly made me loose my pork sandwich on the ride operator.  The ride is less than 2 minutes long and will give you at least 2 hours of indigestion.  If you are one of those sick people, like my old roommate Dot, that digs the whirl and puke kinda ride, go for it.  If not, go for a frozen lemonaide and squirt people coming off Kali River Rapids.  MUCH more fun.

Triceratop Spin

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – Low

WAIT TIME – High

KID GRADE – (G) Suitable for all ages

ADULT RATING – If you like Dumbo, knock yourself out.  If not, avoid this slow loading ride.

This is basically Dumbos Flying Elephants if Dumbo looked like a green Triceratops.  Same ride, different animal to ride around in.  Don’t bother.  Really.  If you really have to because your child is going to have a melt-down, ride it early in the day before the lines stretch to China and beyond.