Proof That God Hates The New Tiki Room

January 12th, 2011, hot off the presses from Lake Buena Vista (aka Walt Disney World), a fire broke out in the attic area of the Enchanted Tiki Room attraction at 5:30pm.  The sprinklers sprayed, the guests were evacuated, no one was injured, the firefighters doused the flames, big win all the way around.

So why is this a "Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday" story and why does God hate the Tiki Room?  Because God loves me and understands, like I do, that the Tiki Room is an abomination that must be cleansed from the Earth.

Why the Tiki Room hate so early in the morning?  I should clarify, this is the NEW Tiki Room.  The original Enchanted Tiki Room in Disneyland is fine.  No problems there.  However in Florida, some whanker thought, "Hey!  We can stuff Iago the obnoxious parrot from Aladdin into this attraction along with the more sedate (but unpopular) Zazu from The Lion King and rework it!  It's SYNERGY!  They're birds, right?  This show is birds, right?  BAM!  We have synergy and product placement and it's right by the new Aladdin's Flying Carpet ride.  See?  We can sell a butt load of bird toys we wouldn't be able to move other wise.  See?  It's brilliant!  Give me a raise!"

So they re-did the ride.  The obnoxious Iago has taken over the Enchanted Tiki Room "Under New Management" with his wise cracking, Hollywood Agent manner with the staid Zazu to act as a foil.  He also has the good sense, in an audio animatronic way, to look embarrassed.


I dislike this attraction and it's not just because they raped a classic for potential stuffed animal profit.  It's because it was done so badly.  Don't take my word for it.  Cory Doctorow from the blog BoingBoing agrees with me.  In fact he says "I took my two-year-old daughter to the Tiki Room last week and within seconds, she was whimpering and saying, "These are the bad tikis. Don't like them. Where are the real birds?"

That pretty much says it all.  The show itself is not well done, the jokes aren't funny and Iago is annoying and a bit scary.  I know I'm not alone in wishing the place would dissolve on the spot.  Well, God evidently heard our prayers.  New rumors are surfacing that Iago was damaged beyond repair by the fire in addition to water damage on the perch that the birds are attached to.  It seems Zazu sustained bad water damage as well.  That seems to me, if the rumors are true, that the new birds were the target of this fire, Iago in particular.

No official determination on the fires origins have been made.  However, I say "make lemonade out of nasty, feathery lemons" and make this attraction into something special.  If you don't want to go back to the original show, you can add new, original characters with a clever script.  I call shenanigans on this whole "synergy" concept of plugging in minor characters just so you can sell plush toys and pencils that haven't moved before.  If you look at the Muppet 3D show at Disney Studios, you will see they invented a character named Bean the Bunny who is the catalyst of the whole show.  He is cute, engaging, sells stuffed toys (Hell, I bought one!) and doesn't take away from the whole classic Muppet experience.  Do that people!  Please let the idiot parrot remain fried and bring us a new character.  I would like to suggest a stunning, peacock-blue parrot named Apollo.

Magic Kingdom - Fantasyland (WDW)

Cinderella's Golden Carousel

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – None

WAIT TIME – Low

KID GRADE – (G) Suitable for all ages.

ADULT RATING – (C+) If you like going around in a circle.

Let's face it, a merry go round is a merry go round.  This one is prettier than most but it is still the same thing.  A bit of trivia for you: the white horse on the outside with the gold ribbon is Cinderella's horse.  The absolute BEST way I have found to ride this ride is with a fabulous guy wearing a pointy Princess hat.

Dumbo's Flying Elephants

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – None

WAIT TIME – High

KID GRADE – (G) Suitable for all ages.  This is a time tested favorite!

ADULT RATING – (C+) Again if going around in a circle is your idea of a great time, you will love this.  Personally I have found most adults just find it a few minutes of respite because now their kid is having a good time.

This is one of the Holy Grail rides of tiny tyke land.  All the little kids want to ride Dumbo and it is a pain in the.. donkey.  Why?  Because there are only a handful of elephants that fly for a specific amount of time.  This makes the ride very slow loading. If you want to ride without standing in the sun for over an hour, this is what you have to do.

Get your family up, dressed and going EARLY in the morning.  No excuses.  Poke them with something sharp if you have to.  Get them to the Magic Kingdom at least an hour before it opens.  They will open the front area of the Park and then have the "rope drop".  When the rope drops, go STRAIGHT TO DUMBO!!!  Do not get something to eat, don't stop to pee, GET TO THAT FLYING ELEPHANT!  This way you can ride right away, get off, get back in line and ride it a 2nd time.  See?  Wasn't that fun?  Now we can ride some of these other rides in Fantasyland.  The things you do for your kids....

It's A Small World

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – None

WAIT TIME – Low

KID GRADE – (G) Suitable for all ages. 

ADULT RATING – (C+) OK, the ride is entertaining but that song will haunt your nighmares.

This is a poor imitation of the original ride at Disneyland.  Disneyland's is better.  The whole line is a topiary extravaganza!  The pop-out dolls and animated clock are iconic.  Magic Kingdom gets a tent.  whee.  This really is a fun ride.  Walt debuted this at the 1964 Worlds Faire in New York.  It is sweet, infectious and the song will imbed itself in your brain and never leave.

I must say the BEST time I ever had on this ride was at Disneyland in the 80's.  We had an AIDS fundraiser and riding this with a boatload of drag queens, singing along was the most magical thing EVER!

Mad Hatter's Teacups

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – Medium

WAIT TIME – Low

KID GRADE – (G) Suitable for all ages but evaluate how they deal with spinning

ADULT RATING – (B) A fun ride if you like spinning like a looney

It's really not fair for me to review this ride because I hurl.  I hate spinning in circles and I hate spinning fast.  I avoid this ride like the plague.  So I will turn this over to my Disney Companion "Dot " for her analysis of this ride:

I really like spinning fast. Watch the teacups and head for the fastest spinners. Some are better than others. Spreading your weight out so you are not all clumped in one place also helps for maximum spinage.

I give this ride a solid B but the waiting and break-down factor can slip it to a B-.

Peter Pan

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – Medium

WAIT TIME – Medium

KID GRADE – (G) Suitable for all ages unless your kid is freaked out by the dark or flying over Lodon.

ADULT RATING – (B) Just for the sheer kitch and nostalgia.  I mean honestly, who doesn't like flying in the air in a pirate ship?

Peter Pan was always one of my favorites from Disneyland. They show more of the story on this ride than the original Disneyland version so I do like this one better. You can’t beat seeing everything from in the air in a sailing pirate ship. This was one of my favorite rides when I first went to Disneyland at 8 and still is.

While the ride cars (pirate ships) do not hold many people, the ride is short and they are quick to load.  At peak times there can be a wait of upwards of 45 minutes.  I personally think this is the best ride in Fantasyland.  How can you miss with flying out of Wendy's window, sailing over the streets of London, soaring over Neverland (please, not NeverNeverland) and watching a swordfight at the end between Pan and Hook?  It's the best.

One of the mermaids in the lagoon sequence looks a bit like Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Hmm. One small, picky geek note of an error on this ride. Peter Pan is set in late Victorian/early Edwardian London. When you are flying over London, look down. You will see streets filled with cars (headlights). There were no cars in Peter Pan’s London.  Barrie wrote Peter Pan in 1902.  The Model T Ford rolled off the line in 1908.  Even with this issue, I give this ride an A-

Kid Grade (G): Suitable for all ages.  Kids will either love the flying or be a bit scared.  It is perfectly safe but the "buoyancy" of being suspended from the top of the car may set very small children on edge.  Only minor scary scenes.  Nothing objectionable.

Pinocchio's Daring Journey

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – None

WAIT TIME – Low

KID GRADE – (G) Suitable for all ages. 

ADULT RATING – (C)

Pinocchio is not my favorite story.  Let's see, a creepy old guy builds a little boy puppet to keep him company, a blue fairy brings the puppet to life and the puppet goes wild.  He is inconsiderate, goes truant from school, smokes, drinks, barely escapes turning into a donkey only to go on a voyage of redemption to try to find the father figure he lost.

We see the dancing puppets, Pleasure Island, the blue fairy, Monstro the Whale, all the good bits with little of the scary, dark and depressing parts of the movie/book.

Snow White's Scary Adventures

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – None

WAIT TIME – Low

KID GRADE – (G) Suitable for all ages unless your child is freaked out by the dark, menacing trees or other "spooky" things.

ADULT RATING – (C) This is really pretty dull. Sorry.

When this ride was first designed for Disneyland it was always intended to be from Snow White's point of view.  As a result, she wasn't in the ride.  As the ride says, you see her "scary adventures" so there are lots of Evil Queens, warty hags, apples, scary trees, and falling rocks.  If your kid wants to see Snow, this is not the ride for them.  If they are freaked by the dark and scary things, like the Evil Queen trying to poison them (remember YOU are Snow White) then skip it.

True, the refurb threw in more dwarves and one shot of Snow but it doesn't change the fact that the ride is not all goodness and light and singing critters.  Make sure your kid understands.  For solo adults, pass it.  It's boring.

Winnie the Pooh

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – None

WAIT TIME – Low

KID GRADE – (G) Suitable for all ages. Only minor scary scenes.  Nothing objectionable.

ADULT RATING –  (B) if you are into Pooh

Here in WDW, Pooh created quite a stir.  He evicted staple Fantasyland ride Mr. Toad.  If you still want to ride Mr. Toad, you can do it at Disneyland.  At Disneyland, the rotund bear evicted his kin (The Country Bear Jamboree).  It seems Pooh brings ride destruction in his honey lickin' wake.  

All and all this was a nice ride (although I still miss Mr. Toad). The ride depicts Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day.  The cut-outs were bright and the animatronics were decent for a Fantasyland ride.  There was a variation of movement to the ride. You would bounce when Tigger was there, you felt like you were floating on water when it was raining, etc. There are a few tiny scary elements in the storm but it is not anything Mom can’t fix by being there. Teens may find it slow but I think it's just plain fun. I give this a B+.

The Haunted Mansion: Past, Present, Burton and Future

The Haunted Mansion opened in Disneyland on August 9th, 1969, fourteen years after the opening of the Park itself.  While Walt supervised the attraction through various incarnations, he never saw it opened to the public as he died December 15th, 1966.

THE PAST

As a child, before I made my first trip to Disneyland at eight years old, I heard stories of the Haunted Mansion.  The kids on the playground would talk about the things they heard.  Of course these were things gleaned from reliable sources like someone's cousin's brother and being kids we KNEW they were true.  We heard the Haunted Mansion glowed green in the dark.  That it was so scary a man had a heart attack on the ride and died.  We heard that Walt Disney was one of the ghosts in the graveyard, the one pedestal statue that was broken and there was a detailed story line about Master Gracey and his bride.

Well, one of the things you learn when you grow up is not to believe everything you hear.

Due to all the stories of dead people and glowing houses I was too damned scared to go inside the Haunted Mansion when I was eight.  That had to wait for my next trip a few years later.  Even on that later trip, I was TERRIFIED of the bride in the attic.  She creeped me out even as a teen and I didn't want to look at her.

I also learned that:

- the Mansion never has glowed in the dark, green or any other color.  This fable may have originated from an album that we had:

The album not only depicts the Mansion as having a green cast to it but has the story of Master Gracey (which we will talk about later).

- no one died in the Mansion of a heart attack from fright

- the broken bust in the graveyard is Thurl Ravenscroft, the voice of many Disney attractions and the voice of Tony the Tiger.  He died in 2005 at the age of 91 so in a way that is his ghost singing to you.

- there was NEVER a specific story line fleshed out for the ride when it was developed.  Yale Gracey was one of the two Imagineers that worked on the ghost effects for the mansion and the ensuing story appears to be an homage to him.  A myriad of stories have sprung up in the ensuing years around the mansion as far as story lines go, including one with a sea captain and the brief book (a dozen pages) that were included with the above record album.  In the words of animator Marc Davis "We really don't have a story, with a beginning, an end, or a plot. It's more a series of experiences building up to a climax. I call them experience rides."

THE PRESENT

As the years moved on, the Haunted Mansion has captured a special place in my heart.  I love the ride with all of its details.  The decor, the sounds, the cast member costumes, the WALL PAPER!!  Gods I would love a house like that especially with that wallpaper.

After being so comfortable with the original antebellum Mansion in my home park:

I made a trip to Walt Disney World (the World) in 1998 and had my view of the Mansion challenged by the Florida version in the Magic Kingdom.  There is no New Orleans Square.  They have Liberty Square and that is where you will find their Mansion.  It is styled after the Dutch/colonial houses of the upper New York area.  To me, while pretty, it isn't as creepy.  Judge for yourself:

Aside from small differences inside the ride (you are actually inside the Doombuggies when you travel down the entrance halls with the changing portraits) and the expansion of a few scenes.  It is basically the same ride.

One change is the cemetery.  Just like Disneyland it is on the outside before you enter the building.  While both have humorous stones and both (such a sad addition) have tombstones of Marc Davis, beloved animator and one of the original "Nine Old Men".  He animated such characters as Alice, Cinderella, Aurora and Maleficent.

What this cemetery does have is an animated Madame Leota tombstone.

If you watch, her eyes will open, then close again and they are yellow!  It is kinda creepy.  This is why it always pays to pay attention to the Disney detail.

Another part of the Florida Haunted Mansion lore was "The Infamous Ring".  Many stories sprung up about a wedding ring hurled from the mansion by Gracey when he caught his wife with another man or the Bride hurling her ring out of the window before killing herself, the list goes on and on.  Guests hear through the grapevine that the ring is embedded in the cement at the exit of the ride and HERE IT IS!!!  

Actually it isn't a ring.  What guests have been looking for, talking about and holding up exiting guests with their hunting and picture taking is... a stanchion.  A small pole if you will that was sawed off and left what looked like a ring.  Guests have tried to dig it out (to no avail).  Disney finally got sick and tired of explaining this was NOT a ring, the story was BS, it was a pole, having people block the exit with their HUGE ... cameras so a few years ago... they poured cement over it.  There ya go, no more ring.

The other difference between the two parks is the level of guest interaction.  In California we tend to have more creative, play along audiences.  Also a great many locals who are involved in the entertainment industry and have Annual Passes.  It is a tradition with TONS of people to recite the Ghost Hosts lines when you are in the stretching room elevator and when the lightening strikes and the hanging body is reveled to scream like mad in the dark!  It's fun!  We LOVE it!

Guess what?  The Florida people are NOT amused.  They like their ride, staid, traditional and no screaming please.  They get really pissy if you do it.  I think they are thinking "Look at those California wackos with their sense of Park entitlement, trying to spoil all our fun with their screaming."  Florida people, honestly we are not trying to piss in your Cheerios.  This is how we role in Cali and if you come to Disneyland, you will see what I mean.  About the park entitlement, that is true.  Our park is better, Walt walked there, be jealous and deal.

THE BURTON

Another thing to be jealous about is Christmas in Disneyland at the Haunted Mansion.  Each year since October 3, 2001, the mansion gets a Nightmare Before Christmas overlay.  Florida doesn't get this.  Sorry.  If you don't want to go to LA, you can go to Tokyo.  They are the only two parks that have this holiday change over.

Now I will say right up front I HATE The Nightmare Before Christmas movie.  So many of my friends like it and I have tried.  I watch it, try to get through it, try to like it and... I don't.  It is creepy, disturbing and I wouldn't let little kids watch this on a bet.  Tim Burton is pretty predictable in his style and that style has many disturbing elements.  I could go on and on but this isn't about his weird ass movie.  That being said, I LOVE the re-do of the Mansion.  It brings all the best parts of the movie to the fore without the disturbing bits.  The characters are more fun and "lovable".  

In March I will get to see the Classic Mansion for the first time in years.  Why?  The overlay is active from September through January and as a result I have not seen the Disneyland mansion in its regular guise for over 5 years, maybe longer.  I tend to visit the park around my birthday (which is in October) so the only "classic mansion" I've been able to see is at WDW.  The irony.

THE FUTURE

I have heard that in my absence of Classic Mansion, some changes have been made.  They have re-tooled the attic scene and the Bride that use to scare the pants off of me.  They have re-imagined her as a black widow, marrying rich men and then killing them for their dough.  I can't wait to see it.  What so many of us appreciate about all the attractions that Disney makes is their ability (for good or bad) to re-invision them, keep them new, fresh, relevant and timeless as well.

You know, once you have gone to your "Great Reward" after this life, it might not be so bad to hang out at the Haunted Mansion.  As the Ghost Host says "There's always room for one more."

The Most Horrific Ride Ever to Appear in the Magic Kingdom (and I loved it)

ALIEN ENCOUNTER: 

MAGIC KINGDOM/TOMORROWLAND

This was my favorite attraction at Magic Kingdom. Around 2002, it traumatized so many children that they re-vamped it into the idiotic "Stitch Encounter".  This is the story of one of the coolest rides that Disney ever thought of, it was just in the wrong park.  In my opinion, it should have been in "teen/tween park" Disney Studios.


I first rode this in 1998 and for the last time in 2001.  The mistake people made was to think a scary ride called Alien Encounter really wasn't that scary.  They thought it was Haunted Mansion scary.  They were soooo wrong. They thought Michael Eisner would NEVER put a truly terrifying ride in the Magic Kingdom of all places!  Evidently they didn't get the memo telling them that Eiser is the Devil. So let's go back in time to a day when the Happiest Place on Earth turned evil.


There are warning signs posted for this ride.  In my opinion, they are not large enough. This is a VERY mentally scary and intense ride. Grown-ups will have fun and find themselves a bit scared or freaked but if you take your child on this ride, you WILL be paying for therapy for the next 10 years. I am NOT kidding! Little kids have NO business on this ride.  Now I did my good deed by warning parents with small children that I saw on the buses about this ride.  I told them that perhaps one of them might want to screen it first.  It seems that I didn't talk to some of the people in line.  I like this ride for adults if you can deal with mind game scares.  It is less scary the second time around.


It is based (very loosely) on the Alien of Ridley Scott fame. You enter a very entertaining queue where you get a lesson in teleportation from an evil robot and his unwilling volunteer “Skippy”. Just seeing cute little Skippy get crispy in a teleporter “accident” and then have the slightly malevolent robot trap him in the transporter interface while in transit, perhaps permanently, can be a bit disturbing to kids.


You next enter a circular room where you sit around a giant tube. There is a large shoulder harness that comes down over you. While it is used for an effect later on, its main purpose is to keep people in their seats so they are not running around in terror in the dark and break their necks.  They start the show and someone starts talking on a screen about this new teleporter technology and how they are going to teleport something harmless to you in the theatre.  Yeah.. right.  Like that turned out real well for Skippy.


The teleporter is accidentally rerouted and instead of the chairman of the teleportation company coming to talk to you, an Alien is transported in his place.  The Alien busts out of the tube, total darkness descends and the fun begins. This is a total mind trip. Nothing in the room moves. You hear the Alien running on the catwalk, breathing hot breath on your neck, it kills a few people, you hear chewing sounds, you feel warm “blood” dripping on you from the guy he ate on the catwalk, etc. As you can tell, this is intense.


There was a kid sitting next to me that looked like Ralphie from “A Christmas Story”. He was about 9 years old and was screaming and hysterical with terror. His Dad was trying to calm him down, tell him it’s just a ride, that it’s not real but the kid was terrorized. I'm going to Hell because while I feel sorry for the kid, his genuine screams of abject terror really added to the experience of the ride. 


Please parents, don’t be selfish and drag your small children on this ride just because you want to see it. Do the child swap, preview the ride first, judge your childs ability to handle this before you damage them. I give this ride an A- for adults, and A for teens, a D for average kids and an F for small children. I think this would have been better at MGM/Disney Studios and put Star Tours here (like they have in Disneyland).

Epcot: World Showcase (WDW)

MAELSTROM: Norway/Epcot

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – Low

WAIT TIME – Low to Moderate

KID GRADE – (G) This ride is suitable for all ages. The ride is not too scary.  It is dark and there are some loud noises.  The drops are not too fast or steep.  Should be OK with Mom or Dad there for comfort.

ADULT RATING - I give this ride a respectable B.

This Viking ship o' yore ride in Norway is one of the better rides in World Showcase (considering that EPCOT is not really a "ride" kinda park). This ship takes you through Norway Past, Present and Future as well as touching on their rich Troll mythology.  There was also a "switch", one place in the ride where your boat turns and you go backwards.  They also have a few small drops like Pirates of the Caribbean.  They fit right in with the ride but are not steep enough to be scary or to get you really wet.


The only thing that you can skip is the tourist film that comes after the ride. I saw it once, and it's really pretty but I've had my fill of fjords. No offense.  I would suggest see it once and then skip it for future rides.  You can just walk straight through the theatre without stopping and exit into the gift shop.

El Rio del Tiempo (RIVER OF TIME): Mexico/Epcot

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – Low

WAIT TIME – Low to None

KID GRADE – (G) Small children will like this ride a great deal.  It is soothing and does not move fast.  There are no scares or dark places. 

ADULT RATING - I give this ride a C if you are hot, tired, drunk or with very small children that won't realize that it is dumb or a D if you are normal and sober.

I have been on this attraction three times in the past four years and my opinion of this ride has not really changed at all since the last time.  I continue to add my friends as converts to the "Small World on Drugs" concept of a Disney ride obviously put together in the 70's and not refurbished since. 

This ride is lame but it's great if you are hot, tired, drunk or just plain cranky. You can relax, there has never been a line when I've been there and they did lower the volume so you can actually hear yourself think. You float by a restaurant (WDW's version of the Blue Bayou & Pirates of the Caribbean) with a dark, romantic atmosphere and a smoking volcano in the background. I think that having human sacrifice on the Aztec pyramid with a head rolling down it would add to the ride atmosphere, however, it may scare the children. Hmmmmm..... anyway….. 

The boat ride is ala Small World. The first part is the most promising. A large Aztec warrior, standing Godlike in his feathers and gold and tiny little loin cloth talking (I think) about the great scientists, mathematicians and poodle breeders (hey, I don't know, the sound was bad) that their civilization had. However, it started to go downhill with the next section, "Aztec Interpretive Dance". I had no idea what the point was since you couldn't hear the narration. There was no human sacrifice. I was bummed. 

Next you enter the room of "It's A Small World" rejects. It's not nearly as scary as the actual Small World but it's getting there. THEN you get to see bad film clips from the 70's of girls water skiing, people getting drunk and a Mexican couple trying to sell you stuff. This moves on to a large room where a festival is going on. What are they celebrating? I have no clue. There is a carousel of marionette people in the center of a modern town with fireworks overhead. Maybe they are celebrating that we left the peddlers in the next room.


(Editorial non-PC rant: I am assuming that these rides in Epcot are to, in part, educate guests about the glorious history of the country represented and give a sense of why this is a neat place to visit. To me, it cheapens the history of Mexico and its people to portray them as annoying peddlers that are always trying to sell you stuff. Sure I go to Mexico and have to beat off the herds of youngsters that are trying to sell me Chiclets or a paper mache donkey but this is suppose to be an INCENTIVE to go to Mexico. Mexico has a rich history and I DIDN'T SEE ANY OF IT!  I saw "interpretive dance" and that's it. How about the art of Mesoamerica or festivals specific to the Country? NO! I get water skiing bikini babes and people "running" next to your boat tying to sell you junk! That is really insulting to the people of Mexico. End rant) 

Epcot: Future World (WDW)

FOOD ROCKS: Future World/Epcot

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – None.  At least you are not standing in a line.  Take a load off.

WAIT TIME – Low even during peak times.

KID GRADE – (G) This is fine for small children.  It may bore older kids.

ADULT RATING – (C-) Dancing pineapples aren’t my thing.

Are you into dancing food and being lectured, in a fun Disney way, about the food groups?  Well then this is for you!  Dancing animatronic figures of food and utensils “rock out” to teach you about eating healthy.  I am all for healthy eating but this is not for me.  If you have a small child this could be a good thing or it could scare them back into the arms of the fast food giants.

MAKING OF ME: Future World/Epcot

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – None

WAIT TIME – Low to Moderate

KID GRADE – (PG) The suitability for this ride depends solely on how much of an advanced education you are comfortable with your child getting

ADULT RATING – (C+) A good place to take a load off but not stellar. 

This is one of the most disturbing rides I’ve ever been on.  OK, it wasn’t as disturbing as my ex who goes by the nickname of “Satan” but close.  This educational ride gives your kids a birds-eye view of reproduction Disney-style.  While you will never actually see a penis, you will get a humorous overview of dating, falling in love, inutero fetuses, birthin babies and mucus and all kinds of ick…. I mean, the wonderful miracle of life.  I soooo didn’t pay all this money to watch a nookie movie with no nookie.

If you are not in a place where you want to fill in the blanks for Junior (like the body parts and the “wilderness watoosie”) I would skip this.  If you are an adult, you should know what goes where and why so why are you wasting valuable ride time with this?  Go on Mission:Space again!

If you have advanced home-schooled children that know all about reproduction and regularly say things like “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina” in the grocery store line then this is a feel good refresher course.  Have fun; I’ll be at the Rose & Crown pub having a cold one.  After all, alcohol is one of the precursors for the “wilderness watoosie”.

MISSION SPACE: Future World/Epcot

ADULT THRILL LEVEL – Extreme

WAIT TIME – High – FASTPASS Alert!

KID GRADE – (R) This ride has height requirements and is very intense.  If children cannot follow the rules to the letter, they will vomit.  Assess your own childs tolerance.  Close spaces, extreme G-forces, NOT for small children.

ADULT RATING – This is one of the most amazing rides I have ever been on.  While a bit extreme, you can survive if you stick to the rules.  A+

Now I admit that I was a little nervous about this ride. I hear some people hurl, some are fine, and some feel a little off for a while then are fine. For anyone that has ridden Rock ‘n Roller Coaster at Disney Studios, the G forces are less on Mission Space but last longer.

There are a TON of signs that tell you that the ride spins and that you can get sick. You are also reminded many times not to close your eyes or to ever turn your head. You must always look straight ahead. There is a very good reason for this.  The ride is a centrifuge.  Watch “The Right Stuff” for an idea of what this is.  Basically it is a sphere that spins very fast. 

Now you may say, “I hate spinning rides”.  I agree with you but this is different.  If you think about it, you spin every second of your life.  The Earth spins.  It is all in your perception of your environment.

If you keep watching the screen you can trick your brain into believing what it sees is “real”.  If you turn your head to the side, your body will notice the spinning and you will vomit.  DO NOT TURN YOUR HEAD.  Honestly if your kid won't listen to you and fidgets don't take them on this ride or you could get hit when they hurl.  In fact they had to put us in another car on our first trip because they had to hose the last one down due to some crazy kid didn't listen to or believe the directions.  Believe them.  The cast members don't call it Mission Hurl for nothing.

That being said I love this ride.  I personally am the biggest spinning weenie on the planet and I did OK on this ride.  It was amazing, I just laughed with sheer joy through the lift-off. It was fun and amazing. All I can do is say “COOL! THIS IS SOOOOOO NEAT! WOW!”

Afterward I left the ride, I got a tiny bit dizzy. My body is now mad at me because it has figured out that it was tricked. “HEY! I WAS SPINNING! DAMN YOU, YOU CRAZY MONKEY!!!” It’s trying to get its equilibrium without the spinning. A sit down for 5 minutes or so and taking it slow for another 20 and I was fit as a fiddle.


UPDATE:  There are now two versions of this ride.  The original in the centrifuge and another with the same elements but you won't be spinning.  I haven't experienced the Lite version yet so I can't compare.